First Impressions
by Shinyduck
Summary: In the time before Bella came along, it's the Cullens' first day at their new school. Naturally, it's not the best start. Rated so the authorities don't crash into my house if I put a bad word. Pen name has changed from EmmettMcCartyCullenrules.
1. Chapter 1

**Im back with another story! its great to be writing again, and i hope you all like the new idea! please please review to let me know what you think! wow i use lots of exclamation marks... this is dedicated to all the wacky teachers at our school who just about make it bearable!**

* * *

**EDWARD'S POV**

I groaned. Another school. Nobody was looking forward to today as I drove into the parking lot. Jasper looked severely depressed and was thinking of the best illness to fake to get him out of this torture. He could probably get away with flu in this weather.

Alice sighed, suffering from shopping withdrawal. It had been an entire weekend since she'd bought anything. Rosalie was scowling out the window as usual and cursing everyone who'd ever had anything to do with education.

Emmett seemed decidedly happier than the others. He was planning on having a Scottish accent this time. I drove into a parking space and we all climbed out slowly.

I was dreading the day ahead as we all walked toward the main door of the high school, Alice and Jazz, and Emmett and Rosalie holding hands. Well, at least we were getting the worst part out of the way. I hated first impressions. People were already starting to stare.

_Well here we go,_ thought Alice.

_Crap, _Jasper thought.

_If any of these idiots even look at me the wrong way I am going to rip their heads off, I'm not in the mood, _thought Rosalie.

_Ooo, maybe I could be Irish... _Emmett pondered. I pushed open the door.

Same as usual. Everyone stopped and stared. A girl kept looking and walked into someone's locker as they opened it with their eyes fixed on us. Someone else walking behind her kept walking and fell over her, actually landing _in _the locker. Emmett found that amusing. At least somebody was having fun.

We followed the sign to reception. Heads turned in our direction all the way. There was a little old lady sat behind the desk with her glasses perched on the end of her nose.

"Excuse me?" I said. She made a strange noise along the lines of "bah!" and threw her pile of papers in the air. "Oh, sorry," I muttered. Alice giggled.

"Oh, um, can I help you dear?" She stuttered.

"Yes," I replied. "We're the Cullen family."

She was slightly taken aback and was still breathing heavily. It was a miracle I hadn't given her a heart attack. I looked at her name badge. Deirdre. I'd always thought that was a weird name. _Deeeer-dreee. _Hmm. I thought I had a great aunt called Deirdre once. Or maybe I read it in a book. Or saw it on TV. I glanced down. The carpet was _orange._ What sort of an office has an orange carpet?

Jasper coughed. I hadn't noticed that she'd picked up a wad of paper from the floor and was struggling to hold it up. I took the pile from her.

_Aw, he just got lost in her eyes._

"Ok, thank you." I turned and strode out of the room, glaring at Emmett, who as usual had a massive smile on his face, as I went past.

_Having fun with your new girlfriend Eddie?_

"Do _not_ call me Eddie! If you do, I will tear your throat out and mail your head to Italy."

"Somebody got out of bed on the wrong side this morning," he muttered.

"Emmett, I didn't... never mind," I sighed. They all took their stuff from me and Rosalie eyed her timetable as if it could bite her at any minute, holding it up next to a map of the school.

"Oh joy," She moaned. I didn't bother asking. Jasper gave Alice a longing glance then trudged off dejectedly down the hall. Alice gazed after him, and then turned in the other direction. She stopped and looked back over her shoulder. "Wait, why Italy?"

"Don't push it Alice," I growled. She sighed loudly and headed to her first class. Emmett was grinning. He really did have issues.

"What?" I asked suspiciously.

"Yay, biology!"

"Hey, what happened to the accent?"

"Oh, um, och aye and uh arrrrr!"

"Emmett that's a pirate."

"Well, maybe I'm a Scottish pirate!" he stuck his tongue out and strode off down the corridor. I sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

**me again, just a quick disclaimer: sadly i own nothing. im working on a time machine to go back to force Stephenie to give me all the publishing rights and copyright stuff, but so far i have nothing :( **

**

* * *

**

**BIOLOGY TEACHER'S POV**

I sighed as the first class of the day swarmed into the biology lab. It was the first day back and depression was already seeping into my life. I should've been a chiropractor.

I finished sorting the papers on my desk and turned round.

"AAAH!" I shouted when I walked into something, _somebody, _hard. I looked up and found myself staring at a guy built like a tank. He was _huge._

"Helloooooo," he said happily.

"Um, can I help you?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"I'm here to learn biology!"

"Oh, ok, you must be..." I checked the register. "Emmett Cullen?" He nodded enthusiastically. "Ok, there's a spare seat next to Amanda at the back."

"Is Amanda the fat one or the short one?"

"Uh, the um short one," I muttered as quietly as I could. The supposedly fat girl's mouth fell open.

"Good, 'coz the other one really is biiiiiiig."

"Please just sit down," I moaned.

"Yes ma'am!"

"I'm a man..." The kid trotted off, completely ignoring me. I felt slightly freaked out by him. Amanda's eyes were fixed on him as he walked toward her. He sat down cheerfully. Everybody in the room seemed to be watching them. I coughed, but none of them noticed.

After about a minute, Emmett noticed Amanda was still staring at him. He put on a goofy smile and gave her a little wave. Her eyes rolled upward and she fainted. He kept waving as she slid to the floor.

I ignored them. I was there to teach biology, not become a paramedic. I changed the subject. "Has anyone been up to anything biology-related this summer?" I asked the class. I never expected a single reply when I asked this, so I staggered backwards when Emmett's hand shot up. "Um, yes?" I asked fearfully.

"I've got a biology project!"

"Ok, well, why don't you come and show us your miracle of science?"

"Yay," he said, skipping to the front. He bent down and I realised he was taking off his shoes. I panicked when he took off his socks and put his foot on my desk. There was definitely a distinctive smell. I fell over backwards.

"You have poisonous mushrooms growing between your toes," I said while lying on the floor.

"Yeah I know, it took _ages._ Pretty cool huh? Oh I forgot, yaaarrrrr!"

I lifted my head up from the surprisingly squidgy lino, realising he had a t-shirt on that said: I heart Fungi. "What is that, a pirate?"

"No! Everybody knows I'm _Scottish!"_ he huffed, folding his arms.

"Well they do now, captain shnook."

"Who the hell is that? And anyway, it's SCOTTISH!"

I dropped my head back down on the ground heavily. "Of course it is," I muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

**i would like to thank our english teacher mr amos for being such a legend and doing some crazy dance move while describing mountains of despair! woo! dont forget to review! or i will hunt you down...**

**

* * *

**

JASPER'S POV

I already missed Alice as I walked into my English class. I went straight to an empty seat at the back of the room. I sat down and sighed. I didn't have to be here, I could've skipped this time. But for some bizarre unknown reason, Alice actually _liked_ coming to school. Something to do with "watching world development". Weird. That was before the teacher came in.

"Hello classss!" The guy shouted in an English accent (ironic) as he strode into the room rubbing his hands together. One of the girls in the front screamed and jumped like she'd been electrified. I was almost blinded by his pink tie and fluorescent pink shirt.

He looked down at her and chuckled. "Oh yessss, I do that, even to my wife! I alwayssss make her jump, when it couldn't be anyone elsssse, probably becausssse I move so quietly!" _Most likely because he shouted everything he said. _His squeaky voice went insanely sharp when he said the letter S and I immediately had a headache. The girl was practically shaking with fear.

There was no way I could live with this. "Asss I'm sure you know, I'm Mr Amosss. Ssso, what _is_ English? What doess it mean to you?" While he ranted on with furious hand gestures, I reckoned I could get away with listening to my iPod Touch that I'd "borrowed" from a guy while Emmett explained to him the benefits of insuring one's glasses, but the guy had a son called Wan who didn't wear glasses, so things got a little confusing . I reached into my jacket pocket where I'd left it this morning. It wasn't there.

"_Emmett,_" I growled, clenching my fists angrily.

Mr Amos stopped his rant about how after we crossed the doorway we had entered his _domain_. "Do you have sssomething to sssay, um Jassssper isss it?" I winced as he said my name. He had to be gay, he just _had _to. Stuff his wife, she was probably imaginary. Then I remembered I had to reply.

"Uh, yeah, I was wondering if I could be excused to murder a relative?"

"Oh, I don't think that'ss quite appropriate," Mr Amosss (damn now I was doing it) said, giving me a strange look like I should be in a mental home. I better not say that to Alice. I folded my arms and decided to have some fun.

I sent a wave of extreme love and devotion toward the girls sitting at the front. They all gasped, screamed and leapt up to hug the teacher. He squeaked with shock. Everyone else stared, not knowing what was happening. I might've given myself away from my loud laughter, considering all the others were completely silent. Oops.

Mr Amos was absolutely sssssssseething.

* * *

I was last out of the classroom after the bell went. I was pretty sure Carlisle wouldn't be too thrilled about me being yelled at in the first lesson. Mr Amos had looked like he was about to burst into tears while he shouted at me.

I felt a hint of extreme joy seep into my system, and only just managed not to career into Emmett who was standing directly in front of the door. His smile scared me.

"Jazzy!" he cried, crushing me in a hug. If I was human, my ribs would have shattered.

"Emmett, get off!" I growled. "You're such a spastic."

He put his hand over my mouth. "Wait, I'm having an epiglottis!"

"It's called an _epiphany._ Oh crap," I put my hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Emmett, _don't strain yourself!"_

"SHHHHH!!!" he cried, shoving me off. "It's coming to me! Spastic, spaz, spazzy..." He gasped dramatically and pointed at me. "SPAZZY JAZZY!! It's perfect!"

"Oh dear god," I moaned, then added, " oh, your shoes untied."

It wasn't, but the idiot bent down anyway. I hadn't meant for it to happen, but that was the moment Mr Amos chose to walk out of the classroom with a large pile of books. Naturally, he went straight into Emmett and flew headlong down the corridor. A book landed on Emmett's head. He looked up as if it had started raining.

Mr Amos stood up and glared at me. "After ssschool you will go immediately to the headmaster's office!" he hissed.

"Who's that?" Emmett asked, scratching his head. Mr Amos yelped in surprise.

I sighed. "The Principal you oaf."

"Hehe. Oaf. That's like the French thing for eggs which is like Uff or something. Hehe. Uff," he chuckled cluelessly, as only he could. Mr Amos looked nervous and very confuddled. Then he turned back to me.

"That goessss for both of you!" Then he strode away with his head in the air. Unfortunately, he caught his foot on a locker and tripped over again. I smirked as he brushed himself down and hurried off like nothing had happened. Emmett still had the book on his head as we went to Spanish.


	4. Chapter 4

**I am so very** **sorry its taken me so long to update but the next chapter is finally here. please review and tell me what you think :)**

**

* * *

**

**EDWARD'S POV**

I heard Jasper and Emmett round the corner of the hall, arguing about Jasper's iPod or something. Jazz was snarling at Em to give it back as they came into my vision. Jasper was swearing a lot in his head. Emmett shrugged thinking; _he'll never look under the front seat of Eddie's car. Oh crap there's Eddie._

He froze when he saw me. Jasper realised what was going on and marched up to me. "Where is it?" he demanded. Emmett was silently begging me not to say anything. I noticed he had a book of Shakespeare upside down on his head and was wearing a t shirt that proclaimed his love for fungi.

Before I could make something up, a small lady trotted up behind us and started ushering everyone into the room. She was less than half the height of Emmett. He was staring with his mouth open.

"She's smaller than Al—"

"Yes we all noticed," I cut him off before he could aggravate Jasper anymore, who was still swearing in his mind. I shoved Emmett inside.

The lights were off and the blinds were drawn, making the room dark. Emmett began to wonder if the teacher was a vampire too. _Or maybe she's just nocturnal,_ he thought. _Oh my god, she's a unicorn!_ He had seen some dry grass that had blown in through the window.

"Why is there hay in here?" Jasper asked quietly.

"Perhaps there was a nativity," Emmett suggested.

"In _February_?"

He shrugged. "It could happen. _Or..."_ he leaned in closer, then whispered, "she's a _unicorn_!"

Jasper hit him in the head.

"Now then," the unicorn squeaked. Jasper groaned. _Not another one. Can no one in this school talk properly?_

As I stopped paying attention to Mrs Squeak (although I think it was Peach, I could barely make out what she was saying), I saw Emmett pass something to Jasper. When he had looked at it, he shoved the note in my hand.

_I've invented a new game. When Squeak face turns around, we have to stand up, spin round and sit down again. Whoever does it the most times before the bell goes wins!_

Underneath Jasper had written:

**Okay, sounds like fun**

I sighed and wrote:

This is ridiculous

I passed it back to Emmett and he scribbled something on it.

_So you're in?_

Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you.

_Eh?_

I shook my head at him and went to the seat the teacher was pointing at. I was sat at the back. Emmett was just about opposite me and Jazz was a couple of seats in front of him. I looked up as a kid in glasses carefully plonked himself next to Em. He was trembling with fear. Poor guy. The girl next to Jasper had fallen in love with him and his hair. I was next to a huge fat guy who looked way too old to be there. I thought he might have a heart attack any second. Maybe I should give him some tips on lowering cholesterol. I had some leaflets about it in my car.

Emmett turned round and chucked a balled up piece of paper at me. I caught it before it hit fatty in one of his many chins. I uncrumpled it.

**Are we playing yet?**

_Ready set go!_

They were so childish. I grinned, wrote, You're both going down! and threw it back.

Emmett snatched it out of the air, stood up, span round and slammed back into his seat, while the teacher wrote something on a whiteboard. The aftershock sent the kid with glasses flying out of his chair. Mrs Squeak turned when she heard the noise.

"Elliot, be sensible and get up!" She snapped. He crawled back into his seat, giving Emmett a wide berth. My brother chuckled. _One, _he thought, then mused about how to kill a unicorn and if he would still like peanut butter.

I glanced at the seat next to me. Fatty had gone to sleep. While Mrs Squeak went back to writing, I copied Emmett, spinning around and flashing back down again. Squeaky practically threw herself across the room. Fatty jerked awake. After she had ordered him to concentrate, she started talking about pronunciation.

Emmett's note hit me in the face.

_You're losing Jazz_

**Shut up, it's not like you're astronomically ahead**

Calm down ladies, I wrote, we don't want the teacher to have a spastic fit

Emmett read it, and span round again when she turned to write some letters on the board. It wasn't like we needed to concentrate. We were pretty fluent in Spanish. Jasper came up with a cunning plan, as well as deciding to dunk Emmett's head in a toilet until he told him where his iPod was.

I watched as he sent a wave of sudden surprise toward the front. The girl next to him jumped. Mrs Squeak jolted like she'd had an electric shock. She bent down to retrieve the pen she'd dropped. Jazz shot to his feet and span three times, sticking his tongue out at Emmett when he was finished. He sat back down as she stood up again. I caught Emmett's note this time. Fatty had drifted off again. He really was huge.

**Beat that Emmett**

_Shut up. So Jazz=3_

_Me=2_

_Eddie=1 :(_

I'll beat you both just wait

After sending it back, I got up and turned two more times. Mrs Squeak knew something was going on and started to search for who was causing the noise every time she turned her back.

We were starting to attract attention now, and the girl next to Jazz had made a flag to show her support for his team. It had a photo of his head on it and was shaped like a heart. I looked over at the guy I was sat next to, who was snoring quietly. I felt hurt that I didn't have any supporters, so I put some green dye that I still had from our Halloween party in his hair, to make him look awesome! Then I carefully painted 'Team Edward' on his t shirt. I sat back to admire my work.

Emmett picked up a rock from his special rock supply (he claimed it was so he was always prepared for unicorn attack) and skilfully flicked it so it smacked into the window next to Squeak's head. While she was focused on that he leapt up, did three spins and two star jumps to top it off. A minute later I got the piece of paper back. Someone behind us cheered quietly.

_Woo! 2 more points and 10 extra points for 2 star jumps!_

**Hey! No way! You can't just make up rules like that! 12 point deduction.**

_I can so. It's my game, my rules. :P and I keep all my points so enjoy losing. Oh wait, Eddie's in last place._

What have I told you? If you're going to do this, behave. End of. Em, you get only 4 points. Jazz stop complaining. Jazz and I are on 3, Em's on 6. But not for long!


	5. Chapter 5

**Woo chapter 5! big thank yous to all my wonderful reviewers :) X**

* * *

**EDWARD'S POV**

Half an hour later and Emmett was on forty four, Jasper was on forty two, and I was (pitifully) on thirty nine. There was five minutes left of the lesson. The teacher was vibrating with anger at not catching who was messing around. We had the attention of the entire class by now. They'd even helped with distractions. I also felt rather ill. At one point Jasper had gotten so dizzy he'd fallen out of the window, but climbed back in before the teacher had noticed.

Emmett pushed his chair back to go for another point. Mrs Squeak whipped round and a wicked smile spread across her face when she saw him half stood up. Emmett's eyes widened.

"Mr Cullen, what _are_ you doing?" She demanded squeakily.

Emmett panicked and blurted out, "Tu parles espagnol comme une tranche de fromage!" The teacher looked very confused. Emmett sat back in his seat looking proud of himself.

I put my head in my hands. "_You speak Spanish like a slice of cheese._ Genius Emmett, despite it being in French" I muttered. From his scowl, I knew he heard me.

Mrs Squeak gave him detention. _Oh great. It's bad enough I have to go to the principal's office after school, now Emmett's going to be there too, _Jasper thought_._ I gave him a questioning look but he just shook his head. Emmett looked thoroughly depressed.

The guy with glasses next to Emmett started to clap, and soon the entire class burst into applause for my brother's exquisite linguistic skills. Emmett's unhappy expression vanished and he took a bow. Mrs Squeak stamped her foot with rage. Jasper groaned.

"Emmett, you are so incredibly stupid," he muttered.

"I'm not stupid, I just get distracted. Hey look a squirrel!" He shot out of his seat straight to the window and stared as a squirrel ran along a tree. If he leant any closer the glass would break. I took the opportunity, stood up and span around. Sadly, it was poor timing. I hadn't been able to resist. Naturally, it was the exact moment that Mrs Squeak turned to tell the fat guy to wake up.

She was pretty much fuming. "Edward Cullen! You will join your brother after school in the principal's office!"

_Wow, it's gonna be like a communal gathering,_ Jasper thought. Carlisle definitely wouldn't be happy.

The bell rang. "Yes!" Emmett yelled. "Haha! In your face Jasper! Oh yeah I win! Man I'm such a hero!"

"Ok we get the picture, now please stop before you mentally scar everyone in the room."

"Well, at least lunch probably won't go as bad as the rest of the morning so far,"" I suggested hopefully. Jasper gave me a sarcastic look to crush my hope. It worked. I looked down at the floor miserably.

"Can we leave now?" I pleaded. Emmett nodded vigorously and rushed out the door straight into Alice. He enveloped her in a huge hug that would have squeezed the life out of anything else.

"Um, Emmett, you know I love you very much, but could you please put me down?"

Emmett opened his eyes and realised that he had lifted her off the ground. "Oh, sorry."

Once she was safely on the ground, Alice patted his chest. "That's ok, I know you mean well."

He gave her a goofy grin before Jasper shoved past him. Emmett pulled a face and stuck his tongue out when Jazz couldn't see.

Alice wound her fingers through his and they stood with their hands together. "I've missed you," she whispered.

"Not nearly as much as I've missed you," he murmured softly, bending his head forward so their foreheads touched.

"BLEH!"

Jasper glanced over his shoulder, pulling away from the embrace. "Thank you for that Emmett," he snarled. Alice sighed. "Next time, keep your opinions to yourself."

"Hey, at least _I_ do it in private."

"Private?! What about the time on the sofa?"

"And the time in the kitchen..."

"And in the car..."

"And _on_ the car..."

"And in _my_ room..."

"And on the piano..."

"And when those girl scouts came..."

"Ok I get the idea! It doesn't mean I need three of you to shout at me."

Jasper clenched his fists. "I _wasn't _shouting!"

"Yeah you were, you're shouting now!"

"I AM NOT SHOUTING!"

"Right that's it, I'm leaving," I interrupted. "Coming Alice?"

She hurried after me while Emmett and Jasper stared each other down growling. "I'm right behind you Eddie."

I groaned. "Not you _too_."

"I can't help it, it's catchy. And it's a lot easier than going 'Edward' all the time."

"But that's my name," I replied sarcastically.

"Yes, but it just sounds so posh and stuck up!"

I started to walk faster. Em and Jazz still looked like they were about to explode into a death match. "I'm not talking to you."

She was silent for a minute. "Edward?"

"What?" I snapped.

"Hah! You replied, I win!"

"Wow, now you're turning into Emmett."

She slapped me on the arm. "Don't you ever say that again! By the way, have you seen Rosalie?"

I shook my head, but couldn't help wondering where she could be...


	6. Chapter 6

**mr Amos makes a second appearance after making us write about how we would "rebrand Christmas" today. ???. anyway, enjoy the next chapter, and please please please with sparkly Edward on top review!**

* * *

**JASPER'S POV**

When we walked into the cafeteria, Rosalie was already sat at a table, looking decidedly shifty. Edward noticed that Emmett and I had come up behind him without trying to saw each other in half. We tried that once, it was really fun. Although it did cost a lot to get everything repaired afterwards.

"So how did you two resolve your differences?" Edward asked as we went to the table where Rose was.

I hung my head in shame and jerked my thumb at Emmett. "He beat me at Rock Paper Scissors."

Edward chuckled and gave Emmett a high five. I ignored them and sat down next to Alice. She was giving Rosalie a confused look, and Rosalie was just avoiding eye contact with everyone. Even Edward didn't seem to know what was going on.

I followed her line of vision and realised she was staring at a salt shaker on a table across the room. I then noticed that the really fat guy from Spanish wearing a t shirt that said 'Team Edward' was walking toward said table. I thought I saw Rosalie's eyes light up.

I watched carefully as he plopped down onto a chair, which wobbled dangerously, with a tray that was covered in food. It piled up almost to his head. You could barely see the tray. Yeesh. I felt obese just looking at it. I might have to read Edward's leaflets on cholesterol. Anyway, once his invisible tray was on the table, he reached for the salt. Rosalie leaned forward in anticipation. Emmett looked at her as if she was about to take off like one of those flying squirrels.

Fatty picked up the salt. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. He tipped it up. Things started to be fast again. The lid fell off and all the salt poured onto his pile of food. It was now a white pile of food. Rosalie erupted into an evil laugh. Several people started to look at what the hell was going on with the freaky cackling.

"That was genius! Haha it went everywhere! This is the most fun since I pushed Jasper into that bog!"

"I'll that asss a confessssssion."

Rosalie stopped her scary laughing (thankfully) and turned around to see Mr Amos standing behind her with his hands on his hips. What a loser. He glared at me as if he'd read my mind.

"You can go to the principal'sssssss offissse immediately after ssschool!"

Edward shook his head at her. She gave him a scowl that would've instantly killed even the toughest of shrews. Mr Amos stalked off, almost walking into the door. Sadly, he missed.

"You _pushed_ me?" I asked quietly, feeling quite hurt. Emmett nodded enthusiastically. I sighed. I should've known it wasn't a freak mini tornado.

"This is ridiculous!" Alice stated. "We've been here for three hours, and everyone but me is in serious trouble."

"You can come with us later," Emmett suggested. Rosalie rolled her eyes. Alice scraped back her chair, but as she turned to go she walked straight into the fat guy who was off to dump his inedible food. Alice gasped as it went all over her. His eyes widened when he saw there had been somebody in front of him. Seriously, he had _that_ much food. We all watched as Alice's expression went from shock, to horror, to fury.

"Wow, he didn't see her, she's just _that _small," Emmett whispered in wonder.

Alice whirled around. "I'm not small! I'm just... vertically challenged!" She grabbed a fistful of spaghetti and threw it in fatty's face. He stumbled backwards and slipped. His tray flew up in the air. I don't think there was a single person who wasn't spattered with food when it came back down. Everyone went into hysterics and food was soon flying everywhere. Rosalie held onto Emmett so that he couldn't join in, but soon gave up and lobbed a banana across the cafeteria.

Emmett jumped onto the table, grabbed a pile of apples and hurled them all. Several students were instantly knocked out cold. As I was shaking my head at their immaturity, something smacked into the back of my skull.

I slowly rotated round, narrowing my eyes. The kid who'd just hit me with a potato screamed and ran for the door. I reached out with my hand and Emmett shoved some ammo into it. I pulled back my arm, holding onto the kiwi (there was a lot of fruit around), then flung it in slow motion, Matrix-style. I grinned with satisfaction when it hit him in the back of the head and he sprawled across the floor that was now slick with food.

Emmett did a scary evil laugh and launched yet more fruit. After getting revenge on the fat guy, Alice had taken shelter under the table. Rosalie started to pull her back out. "NO!" Alice screamed. "Please! Don't make me go back out there!"

"For Christ's sake Alice, get a grip!" Rose snapped, heaving Alice to her feet. The poor girl was shaking. I suddenly just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, take her away from this place and sit alone with only her. I wanted to never let go and breathe in her sweet scent, stroking her soft hair...

"Ugh, Jasper's daydreaming again!" Emmett cried and I felt something squidgy splat into the side of my face.

"Emmett, you've really blown it now," Edward murmured, and I saw him edge carefully backwards. I wiped off the orange, growled, and launched myself at him.

We crashed backwards, shattering the table until we hit the wall. Emmett gripped onto my shoulders, pushing hard to keep me off him. "Umm, Jasper? Can you sort of get off now?" he whined.

I grabbed hold off his t-shirt, pulled him up and threw him across the room. It was a miracle I didn't put out my back he was so heavy. Edward's mouth fell open. Emmett skidded along the floor, throwing up a cloud of something disgusting. I panted, the anger slowly draining out of me.

"That boy has some serious issues," Rosalie muttered.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHAKESPEARE IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

Everybody froze as Mr Amos appeared in the doorway.


	7. Chapter 7

**:) happy new year everbody, keep reviewing!**

**

* * *

****EMMETT'S POV**

When the weird teacher with gelled hair came in amidst our war of calories and I accidentally threw some cake at him, I got out of there! I crawled under the tables until I was almost at the door, then looked over my shoulder to see how far I'd come. I shouldn't have done that as it made me veer off course. I crawled into the doorframe then straight into the teacher next to it.

He wobbled then toppled over, landing on me. I once had a dream where somebody jumped on me and then I was attacked by a lemur covered in chocolate pudding, making me terrified of chocolate lemurs and people jumping on me. So I screamed and ran.

**EDWARD'S POV**

After Emmett had let out quite a feminine scream, remembering his lemur dream, Mr Amos slowly got to his feet, rubbing his head and mumbling, "Oh my, I've come over all peculiar." When he had wiped the cake off his face and realised we were all staring at him, he put on his sternest face (it was like a child pouting after being told he couldn't have any more ice cream, he was fat enough).

"Now which of you began this monssstrosity?" he hissed. It was painful to listen to, and I immediately felt sorry for Jasper who'd had to put up with it for an entire lesson. When no one answered, he glared and stomped his foot. "Do not expect me to believe that this loquaciousss behaviour is a farce of my own imagination that has occurred sssimply due to the undiluted stressss of teaching English!" He looked tearful from the emotion of his speech, and I have to say it really touched me. I sniffed and was about to applaud, but Jasper irritatingly shattered my euphoria by muttering "lo-who?"

I turned around to glare viciously at him. "Jasper!" I snarled. Sadly, Mr Amos thought I was saying it was Jasper who started the food fight and he marched over purposefully.

"Right!" he squeaked. "_You_ shall be –"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Alice cried, throwing herself in front of Jazz. "Take me instead! I will not live without him! I don't care if I die, I –"

"Alice, _please_ stop making such an ass of yourself!" Rosalie snapped.

Alice sniffed, pulling herself together. She took a deep breath. "Ok. But please, it was I, not Jasper, to throw the first missile of food." She shuddered, wiping something green of her arm. Mr Amos nodded.

"You shall alsso go the principal'sss office at the end of the day!" With that he turned sharply, slipped on a banana peel and smashed into the wall. He straightened his tie, tripped over a stray egg and flew out of the door. The man knew how to exit a room.

Alice blinked. "Is that it?" she asked warily.

"Yep!" I replied cheerfully. Maybe I should try to be more like that English teacher in the future. I was sure he was known nationally for his talents.

"Oh," she said, then shrugged and walked off with Rosalie.

I glanced over at Jasper, who was again feeling sorry for himself for not getting to spend more time with Alice. "Shall we go find Emmett?"

"We've been doing that a lot lately," he replied thoughtfully.

"Look, it isn't my fault you convinced him that the Jonas Brothers were in league with the CIA and were investigating anyone who bought crumpets last week."

He shrugged. "Meh, I had nothing else to do. What can you do on a Tuesday?" We later found out that Tuesday was the day the hiking club played monopoly and ate ginger snaps, but that wasn't the point. So, we walked out of the cafeteria to find our brother, while everyone else just stood there, drenched in food.


	8. Chapter 8

**Another quick message to say a HUGE thank you to ALL my reviewers, you are wonderful people. if you havent, then why the HELL not?! hehe, just kidding :)**

**

* * *

****EDWARD'S POV**

We found Emmett sat on top of some lockers in the corridor. He caught sight of us coming and gave us a cheery wave.

"Umm, Emmett, are you going to come down?" Jasper asked, half hoping he'd say no.

"Are there any lemurs down there?" he asked suspiciously.

"No," I sighed.

He narrowed his eyes. "Check."

I walked back down the corridor and looked around the corner. No lemurs. I went back to where Emmett was still crouched on top of the lockers. He was looking at me expectantly.

"No lemurs."

"Wait, what kind of lemurs?" Jasper interrupted.

Emmett thought for a moment. "Well, I guess ring-tailed lemurs, but maybe ruffed lemurs, ooo! Do you know what I'm _really _scared of?"

"What? What?! I can't bear the suspense!" I looked over at Jazz and realised he was serious.

"Aye-ayes!" Emmett murmured fearfully. "It's their scraggy black fur and big eyes and their freakishly long bony fingers," he shuddered. Jasper nodded in understanding.

"Look, can we please stop talking about lemurs!" I snapped, losing my patience.

"Keep up Edward, we're talking about aye-ayes now."

"Yeah Edward."

"Alright! There are no lemurs, aye-ayes or porpoises down here okay?!" Emmett's face lit up when I mentioned porpoises. Don't ask why.

"Fantastic!" he cried and leapt off. I may have accidentally screamed, but I did the manly thing and shoved Jasper in front of me. Emmett landed heavily on top of him, making the floor crack. Someone at the end of the hall ran away, shrieking about earthquakes. He started to get up again, but Jasper didn't realise and shoved him hard. Emmett flew off his back and landed head first in a bin. He panicked, leapt to his feet and ran into the wall. Jasper was sat on the floor laughing, but I had turned around to study a poster about the graph-drawing club.

"THE DARKNESS!!!" Emmett yelled, but I didn't see him trip over Jasper. He crashed into my back and I smacked into the locker and went through it. When I opened my eyes, it was dark. My chin was resting on a pile of books. I tried to pull my head back out of the locker, but couldn't. I was stuck.

I could hear them laughing hard outside the locker. "It's not funny!" I shouted, trying to wrench my head out. It didn't work, and I managed to hurt my neck. "Help," I whimpered.

"Don't worry Eddie, I'll get help!" Emmett called, and I heard him running off. He obviously hadn't taken off the bin yet, as I then heard a big crash and loud swearing. Something poked me in the bum.

"It's okay, he's gone. You can come out now."

"Jasper! You may not have noticed but I'm actually stuck!"

"Oh. Well, I'll see you later!"

"NOOOOOOOOO! Don't leave me alone! He'll come back any minute!" But it was too late. He was gone and I could already hear Emmett crashing toward me. He arrived panting, despite the fact that he didn't actually need to breathe.

"I brought help!" he stated proudly. I heard slow footsteps.

"Hello dear, it seems you're in a bit of a pickle." Good googly moogly. It was Deirdre the receptionist. Help.


	9. Chapter 9

**sorry this took so long, but when I metaphorically opened my metaphorical cupboard I was metaphorically buried beneath a metaphorical mountain of sadly NOT metaphorical homework. disclaimer (sort of): i hold nothing against miley cyrus, despite her calling Twilight a cult, so all views and opinions are those of the individuals and not the views of RuthisAwesome Industries (thats me) **

**

* * *

**

**EDWARD'S POV**

"Look, I'm really not sure that this is such a good idea."

"Edward, stop whining and let the woman work."

I sighed. "Okay. By the way, where's Jasper gone?"

"Oh, he's still here. I think he had an aneurism."

"Meaning?"

"He's lying on the floor twitching."

"Not _again._ The doctor warned us about him getting over-amused."

"Are you ready dear?" Deirdre asked.

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. It didn't make a difference because I was stuck in a locker, but it felt dramatic. "Just do it!" I felt her hand on my head, there was a twisting motion and suddenly I was in the light!

"Wow," I breathed. "That was amazing!"

Deirdre smiled at me. I have to say, she looked quite stunning in her fluorescent green cardigan. "Well dear, it was some time ago when I was visiting the zoo with my grand step-nephew. We were looking at the loris enclosure. They're a lot like lemurs really."

"Lemurs!" Emmett screamed, but I ignored him.

"So there we were watching them sleep. They're nocturnal you know."

"Really?" I asked, fascinated by her story-telling skills. I'd have to look these up in my Global Prosimian Dictionary.

Deirdre nodded and continued. "One of the little fellows was asleep next to the glass, and when I leant in to get a good look, his huge eyes snapped open!" We gasped loudly. "He flung himself at the glass and burst through!"

"No!" Emmett interrupted in shock.

"He was coming straight for me! But! Before he could reach me – they have very slow metabolisms, you know –"

"No!" Emmett interrupted in shock.

"– as he came for me, a hand flew out, caught him, and saved my life. Her name was Anthony –"

"Her name was Anthony?!" Emmett interrupted in shock.

"EMMETT! Stop interrupting in shock!" I shouted. He went quiet and looked back at Deirdre.

"Her name was Anthony. And after that horrific experience, I knew that I should learn OAP's martial arts self-defence. Anthony taught me everything I know."

"Wait, why was her name Anthony?" I asked, feeling quite confuzzled.

"Oh, her parents got confused with the umbilical cord. Anyhoo, I must dash, this school relies on my receptionist skills!" And with that, off she waddled.

"You know, Emmett, I'll never doubt you again. But how did you know she had such incredible power?"

He tapped the side of his nose and grinned. "You may think I'm stupid, but it's all just a front, while I secretly plan world domination."

"Well, you had me fooled. So what now? I don't really feel like learning."

"Never fear Eddie, I have a plan. Oh, Jasper. You've come back to the land of the living."

Jazz sat up, rubbing his head, and groaned. "I overdid it again, didn't I?"

I nodded. "Just a smidge."

"What happened to my iPod?" Jasper asked, looking at us both suspiciously. Emmett sighed and held it out to him.

"I thought you put it in my car?" Damn it, I'd just got over my confuzzlation, and now it was back again.

"Oh, I hid in it after the lemur attack, so I thought I'd get it out."

"Well, the important thing is that I have it back now and..." Jasper trailed off, then looked up at Emmett, his face darkening. "YOU REPLACED ALL MY SONGS WITH BARBIE GIRL?!"

He shrugged. "It was _all _Miley Cyrus, and everybody knows she's crap."

"She is NOT!" Jasper screamed, leaping to his feet. "Just because you think the Jonas Brothers are better!"

"The Jonas Brothers are _awesome._ Miley Cyrus is a whor–"

Jazz screamed again with rage and leapt at Emmett, knocking him backwards. They rolled across the floor until I grabbed hold of them. "Cut it out!" I shouted. They went quiet. "You know what Carlisle said about you two fighting. _This _is why he banned us from watching Disney Channel!"

Jasper was the first to talk. "So what do we do now?" I looked purposefully at Emmett.

He grinned proudly. "I have a cunning plan..."


	10. Chapter 10

**helloooo my loyal and loving fans! i know its been a long time, but theres a good reason. basically, my parents went to India, i lived with my friend for 2 weeks travelling the country for fencing competitions and then i was in bed for a week and THEN we went back to school and ive finally had time to update. told you it was a good reason :P **

**

* * *

**

**ROSALIE'S POV**

"Rose?"

"What Alice?"

"I'm not sure I can be bothered to go to English. We could just hide in the toilets."

After a moment of thought, I nodded, careful not to disturb the natural-looking shine-aliscious bouncibility that my shampoo gave me. We turned off the corridor and into the nearest girls' bathroom, where there was a small girl, with totally not spazzy ginger hair (I don't care if it doesn't make sense, it's just a _description_), wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Jasper's head on it. She seemed to be in some kind of trance and had just finished putting up some pictures of her new hero in each cubicle. I'd seen this before when Emmett had dragged us to a Jonas Brothers concert: she was a _fangirl. _There was nothing scarier. She wobbled off, gazing euphorically into the distance.

Alice stared after her, looking very confused, while I went to the sink to look in the mirror. I gasped so loudly that Alice jumped backwards, slipped on something and landed in one of the other sinks. "What, what is it?!"

"I. Look. _Amazing!_" I breathed, smiling at my own beauty.

Alice groaned quietly and bent to pick up the thing she'd slipped on. "Hmm. A cucumber..." she murmured, examining the long green vegetable. I suppose it was beautiful in a way, its sleek surface and sparkling green complexion. "Rosalie!" Alice cried. "Turn the tap off!"

I looked back to see that the sink was now overflowing, the water spilling out onto the floor. I twisted the tap, but it wouldn't move. I glared at it and used my full vampire strength to turn the tap. Nothing. "WHAT THE F–ING HELL?!" I shrieked, breaking a nail in the process. I shrieked even louder.

"Take the plug out!!"

"There is no crappy plug!" I desperately yanked at the tap. There was a groaning sound, then the entire sink ripped off the wall in my hand. "Oh dear." The wall rumbled ominously. I made the mistake off peering down the hole where the sink had been. We were hit by a tsunami.

The stream of water burst out straight into my face, and just kept coming. I heard Alice scream above the roar of the churning water, but I couldn't see her as we disappeared beneath the surface. I held my breath, remembered I didn't have to, and opened my eyes. Almost the entire bathroom was now underwater, and was still filling. I caught sight of my sister floating above a toilet, admiring one of the pictures of her sort of husband. I did the wide-kicking scoopy-arm swimming (I will never call it _breast_stroke, after a remark made by a member of my so called 'family', nor shall I ever compare myself to a frog whilst doing it!) until I reached her, then grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the door.

We reached it and drifted to the ground, preparing ourselves. Then I took hold of the door handle, and pulled. It took another try, put I managed to wrench the door open and slam it shut behind us. We flopped to the floor, a bit like fish but nowhere near as ugly. I felt disgustingly soggy. Next to me, Alice was sobbing with the sacrifice of her clothes. We sat there for a few seconds, until the fangirl reappeared. She skipped along, still wearing her Jasper t-shirt, humming something about leaving behind her wallet-sized photo in the bathroom. My eyes widened, and Alice signalled that we should run. I scrambled to my feet (but it was very beautiful, elegant scrambling) and we hurriedly power-walked away, just as the girl opened the door and all the water blasted out.

Alice squeaked loudly, and we ran. The water flooded my shoes again, but I kept going, then realised that Alice had disappeared. I slowed down, but couldn't see her, so I shrugged and walked off. I knew I could pull off the really wet look, and as long as I looked fabulous, nothing else really mattered. As I carried on down the corridor looking gorgeous as always, I heard a strange sound up ahead. I decided to investigate, because it would probably make me more beautiful as I strode through the door to kick ass! Or whatever else I was about to do... you know what, never mind okay? I went to investigate, end of story! Well, chapter... ah forget it.


	11. Chapter 11

**ok, well, its been about 6 months, and i finally got round to writing again! yay! this is dedicated to Mr Amos who is leaving our school after a year (that says a lot about us as students) and we will all miss him greatly :) so enjoy the first chapter in ages! **

**

* * *

**

**ROSALIE'S POV**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?"

I stared at the dimly lit classroom I'd thought was empty. Emmett was sat at a table with his t-shirt on the floor opposite Jasper who wasn't wearing socks or shoes. Alice was sat at the end of the table with an evil smile that you'd see on a pixie after it had vanquished the dwarves and was overlord of the magical forest. In front of them was a deck of cards set out suspiciously like poker. That familiar feeling that we were all going to get arrested began creeping up my throat.

I heard a muffled "you're going to pay for this until the day you die" sort of noise and noticed Edward sat in the corner. Well, maybe "crumpled" was a better word. He had tape across his mouth and was tied up with what looked like twisted metal, holding his arms behind his back. I let out an evil chuckle and was preparing myself to finally get the ultimate revenge for him discovering that photo of me when I accidentally dyed my hair green, when Emmett interrupted me.

"Hey Rose, we're playing strip poker." _How did I know it would be something like that?_ "Anyway, we decided not to use money after, you know, _last time_," he shifted uncomfortably, "so we're betting fruit instead!" Now I realised why the room was full of watermelons and pomegranates.

"I bet my cucumber!" Alice cried with joy. Dear God, she was far too happy the whole time. It freaked out my beautiful self. I mean, it's just wrong.

"Edward was cheating," Jasper added. "You know, with the mind reading thing. That's why he's, well, you know." He looked at me sheepishly and I shook my head at them all.

"Firstly, Alice, a cucumber is a _vegetable_, and second, not that I want to get involved in any way with you morons, what the hell are you planning to do with all this fruit?"

"Oh, there's much more next door!" Alice chirped. I glared at her until her smile turned to a nervous laugh and she looked down at the floor.

"Well, we_ were _going to break the world record for smashing twelve varieties of fruit with a baseball bat," Emmett said, shrugging. "But now I'm not so sure..."

Edward interrupted with a "MURPF MUFF" sort of sound, so I sighed and elegantly stepped over a pile of lemons to rip the tape of his mouth. Once I had, he sat there panting for about a minute until I slapped him. Edward glared at me, then turned to the others. "That stupidly colourful English teacher is coming. Hide!" I briefly wondered why Alice hadn't seen that, realised she was admiring the cucumber she'd found in the bathroom again, and remembered why I never bothered to care. As Jasper and Emmett dived under the table, I dragged Alice away from her annoying yet glossy vegetable and crouched in the corner where we wouldn't be seen, just as the sound of whistling reached the corridor.

"Thisss is the MORNING REPORT!" Mr Amos sang happily as he continued his daily classroom patrol.

"Hey," Emmett whispered loudly, nudging Jasper. "That's the new song from the special edition DVD of the Lion King!"

"Oh yeah! Zazu sings it, he's my favourite character."

"Will you guys _shut up!_" I hissed. The joyous singing stopped, and the two of them gave me angry looks."

"Pray, what be this? A darkened room?" Mr Amos felt strangely bewildered at this unusual sight and decided to investigate. _Ashley away! _he thought to encourage himself. He stepped through the door, but stopped dead when he saw a teenager tied up in front of him.

"Uh, hi," Edward said, shifting uncomfortably while Mr Amos stared at him. "So... your first name's Ashley?"

Suddenly, we leapt forward with a battle cry, brandishing watermelons, and smashed them on the weird teacher, who screamed like Carlisle when he found out Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were the same person. Emmett laughed loudly at Mr Amos who was now sprawled on the floor, sobbing, covered in purple melon juice.

"Run you idiot!" I shouted. He realised we had all disappeared out the door, picked Edward off the floor, and chased after us. Mr Amos stayed where he was and cried. His favourite fluorescent pink shirt was ruined.


	12. Chapter 12

**ok this took a while. sorry. but you know, the chapter's here, so enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any charcters, Twilight, Scooby Doo, CSI Miami or the Houston SPCA. trust me, you'll know why when you read (enticement!)**

**

* * *

**

**JASPER'S POV**

Emmett suddenly stopped at the end of the corridor and I ran into him, sending both of us flying into the wall and showering me in dust. I coughed loudly and climbed off my brother, who was lying motionless on the floor. I wasn't too worried; I'd seen an entire stage with massive light fittings collapse on top of him at a Jonas Brothers concert when he freaked out because he got within five metres of Kevin.

"What the hell did you do that for?" I growled, kicking him in the leg for good measure. It brightened my world a little bit.

"I'M SORRY!" he screamed, jumping up and knocking me backwards into Rosalie, who then threw me into the other wall. "I forgot my motive and I just panicked! Stop living in the past man, let's live _in the NOW!_" Emmett pointed at the ground to emphasise his point and was panting at the end of his speech. I couldn't help bursting into applause. I felt like a changed man. I felt like I could change the world.

"Excuse me, I have to open a shelter for orphaned chipmunks," I announced and turned to go. Alice grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"What did I tell you about that?" she hissed.

I sighed. "That my lifelong dream has to wait until the alpine shrew is no longer endangered."

Alice nodded with her hands on her hips. "That's right. And that's why next week, _we_ are going on an important walkathon to raise awareness!" She slammed her fist into her palm, her eyes burning with the ferocity of possessed coral. It was beautiful.

"Uh, guys?" Emmett interrupted. I glared at him for stopping me from basking in Alice's power. He ignored me. Or just didn't notice, I wasn't sure, I didn't make a noise or anything. Damn, I should've done that. "So what do we do now?"

"We must hide!" Alice cried, throwing her arms in the air. Wow, she was energetic today. It was amazing.

"I saw once on Wizards of Waverly Place that hiding things in plain sight often works," Edward suggested. I shrieked in surprise.

"When did he get here?" I whispered to Rosalie, doing a great job of pretending it had just been a manly exhalation. She didn't even notice that I was shaking or my voice kept breaking. I am _the master_ of coolness. She shrugged anyway, looking genuinely startled.

"Sooo..." Alice said thoughtfully. "We should go to Mr Amos' house!"

"To the library!" Rosalie cried, and marched off down the hall, pointing the way.

"Rose, the library's the other way..."

She swung around and carried on marching. "It was an easy mistake," she muttered. I decided against pointing out the large poster next to her that said _LIKE BOOKS? VISIT THE LIBRARY, 10 METRES THIS WAY! _with a big arrow underneath.

We all sprinted after her, shoving several people out of the way. I felt majestic as I glided over a crushed cheerleader and stepped on a geeky guy's head. "Gah what the hell?" I shouted as something clamped onto my leg. I glanced down and saw a mass of orange hair glued to me and singing joyously. I tried to shake it off, but only heard "This is the happiest day of my life!"

We sprinted around the corner and burst through the doors into the library. "ALRIGHT!" I announced majestically. "Emmett, Edward, barricade the doors! Alice, stand with me and look scared. Rosalie, search for clues." I put on my Aviator sunglasses. "I'll glance suspiciously in different directions. Now let's do this thing!"

"Jasper for god's sake!" Alice moaned. "For the last time, you're not Freddie off Scooby Doo, you're not Max Mixon from Animal Cops Houston and you're not that ginger guy in CSI Miami!"

"You mean Horatio? He is just _incredible_."

We all turned to stare at Rosalie. She realised that she'd just released her deepest secret and stuck her middle finger up at us.

I sighed loudly, but still sounding awesomely cool. "Look, that's not the point – HEY! NOBOBY MOVE, I'VE GOT A PENCIL SHARPENER!" I brandished my blue sparkly weapon (it was supposed to be my Christmas present for Carlisle but I'd thought it was just too precious) at the short geography teacher trying to check out a book on unicorns. The fat librarian adjusted her fat glasses and shushed me fatly. I had the immediate thought that her lime green jump was dashing, and wondered if it would glow in the dark.

"Oh my fruity goodness! I know her! I saw her in the muffin store buying low sodium free range bran. She must be a kobold." Emmett exclaimed, pointing at her exuberantly.

"Emmett, what the hell is a kobold?"

"Well my dear Rosalie, a kobold is a mischievous dwarf that lives underground, though I believe they now inhabit libraries during the day, or a sprite from Germanic mythology and folklore, usually invisible."

"Brilliant."

"Hold your metaphorical horses people!"

I sprinted over to the now blocked door. "Whoa! What's the situation Ed?"

He glared at me. "Never say that again. Ever. But I think Mr Amos is leaving."

I shoved him out of the way and peered through the glass. There was a crash and the sound of a winded librarian squawking, but I ignored it. Sure enough, a blindingly pink shirt shot past, blurring my vision and leaving a trail of smushed watermelon behind it as it sobbed "HOMEWARD BOUND!" I loved that movie.

"Ok team, we're clear and good to go, let's move out!"

The orange thing slid off my leg and gazed up into my eyes. Well, they are pretty nice eyes. She wobbled about a bit as if she was ready to explode.

"Uh, hi?"

"MARRY ME!" It shrieked, flinging itself toward me. I calmly stepped out of the way.

"Ok we are definitely leaving," I announced. I like announcing. It looked heartbroken, so I gave it my Aviators before we all broke through the wall into the parking lot. I glanced over my shoulder for a dramatic farewell, but she'd fainted.


End file.
